This is the reason of my madness; this is the reason I took the road less traveled, and suffer through it. This is the reason I wake up every time I fall, the reason I keep waking up and mop the floor for pennies and changes, the reason I wipe my tears and put on smile.
Ten years ago, it was a thin, hungry kitten at the end of his wit, crying and begging for answer to his invisible world. Four years later, the kitten had grown into a healthy, handsome cat. Six months before we moved to our new, (hopefully) permanent home, my neighbor kill him with poison.
Ten months ago, it was a little kitten blinded by disease. She can no longer behold her mother, she can no longer walk about, she can no longer watch the wonder of the world. She will never be able to feel the blood rush in the hunt, she will never feel the excitement of playing with grass and dandelions. I took her away and despite my effort, she crossed over to the other side. I have been trying to get her mother then, I have never seen her mother again and I truly want to believe that she just go away for a better beginning, but deep inside, something in me knew. Something in me knew a vile man was lurking behind me, copying my way of winning her heart, and cast her away.
Ten days ago, I lost Wizard. She was playing with a roll of raffia by a busy road side when I saw her three years prior, but it was not the danger of the road that I fear, it was a man sharpening his butcher’s knife right next to her. His eyes can’t make up its own mind. Looking to the knife, looking to the kitten, looking to the knife… A small minority of ethnic group of this nation eat cats and dogs, as well as snakes, bats, tigers, horses, sharks, anything.
Ten hours ago, it was this man. Folding and rounding himself as neatly and as closely as he can, under a small, decaying bench, on a dirty pedestrian, at the middle low class area of town. Aging, tired, defeated, hungry, cold.
He was even afraid of his own shadow, dancing under that street light in the middle of the night, worryingly watch the passing vehicles.
Midnight is not the time for a girl to walk alone across various dark places, but I increasingly find myself there more and more.
I reach into my bag, I squatted nearby, I extend my hand with an open pouch of food. I am a stranger, but I am holding his only hope, the hope he knock for but the door never opened, the hope he ask for but never answered, the hope he seeks, but never find, the hope he would trade his life with, maybe.
For a few minutes I stood by him, watching him and his only hope, I can relate.
We both seeks love, but get hate, we both seeks recognition, but are cast away, we both ask questions, but get scolding, we both knock on doors, but got kicked away. We’re both getting old, we’re both hungry, we’re both tired, defeated, cold.
So this is the reason of my madness; this is the reason I took the road less traveled, and suffer through it. This is the reason I wake up every time I fall, the reason I keep waking up and mop the floor for pennies and changes, the reason I wipe my tears and put on smile.
This is the reason I keep coming to the colony, although the whole region up and armed to kill me. This is the reason I keep trying.
This is the reason I took all the humiliation, degrading offenses, laughs behind my back.
This is the reason I put on my cap and hold it on hand to all of you, begging. This is the reason I come back crawling, even though I can fly.
This is the reason I am the first willingly go without, because I can still stand and walk for two more days, but today might be their last.
Because the likes of this old man seek love, and no one give. I have love, so I give. The likes of this old man seek recognition and everyone ignore, but I have respect, so I give. The likes of this old man, ask questions and everyone scold. I might not have the answer to all, but I have the answer to some, so I give. The likes of this old man knock on door and no one will take them. I can’t take everyone, but I can take some and keep the rest still, so I do.
Be it ten seconds, or ten minutes, be it ten hours or ten days, be it ten months or ten years. Heaven should not be behind closed door and thorny bushes, up the tower to the games of thrones. Heaven should be there, standing tall in the wide open. Heaven should be abundant, heaven should be free.
Heaven is in my hand, so whoever ask will be answered, whoever seek will get, whoever knock, the door will be opened.
Heaven is in my hand, so I open it and set heaven free.