Just like everyone else on earth, there are times when I was lured to the imagination of the luxuries I will get if I know the future.
Then, life will be boring. Of course, people with lack of management skill like me will find life easier, and that’s another lure that makes the potentially boring life more bearable.
It’s only after I went into animal rescue full time, I start to appreciate, and then prefer the way it is now. Renoir, who has hernia and very bad URI that we don’t know whether or not he will make it, Rain, a small kitten who ran toward me under the rain just to sit under my umbrella (and get himself picked up), Koge Pan, Kaitou, Dusty, Goldie. Had I know when they will pass, I was probably already a resident of a mental institution by now; making the tragic headline like “Psychologist suffered from depression, dragged to mental hospital with her dead cats”
Had I know the future, I’d probably hunker up in some basement without window or light, sitting on my own excrement. I won’t be able to handle that luxury of passing a street cat, or dog, or bird knowing that they would die slow death, or starving, or being abused, or hit by car, or abandoned or…
Had I know the future, Mousy and I wouldn’t have so much good time that we never thought possible. We had hoped that his first surgery that you all helped me paid for will get rid of that growth on his nose. All the vets involved in his surgery did every single thing they possibly could and employ the best technology available. They even borrow equipment from other vet. It’s just that his nose grow back and it’s getting bigger.
We have a long, heartbreaking discussion, but ultimately, I decided not to pursue another surgery only to give him third round of growing nose. I will take it that his clock is ticking, give him quality life, and when the time comes, drop him off the station by that rainbow bridge, and turn back home. Alone.
And that time seems to be drawing near. In the past few weeks, Mousy had gradually lost his appetite. As of today he no longer interested in dry food. He only eat soft food and kitty milk. He loves those gel supplements and I let him have all of those as much as he likes. I take him to the empty lot near the sanctuary and we roll on the grass together, we chase butterfly together, and when people ask me what is it about his nose, I would proudly, yes, proudly, explain that Mousy has tumor on his nose and he put up with it like a champion.
Mousy is gaunt now. I can see his big, sturdy bone protruding from his body. My once very handsome, Chris Hemsworth looking guy looks ghastly, but just like old kings, he walks with grace, looks with charisma, wave his tail like a lion ready for its pride.
Mousy needs subcutaneous fluid everyday, although he drinks enough. He still get his medicine, he still get his favorite chicken sausage, cut up, then mashed, now blendered. Mousy got nose bleed often.
And one day, when he lost his will to live completely, then I know it’s time to make the call and drop him off. Better so, than letting him die naturally out of oxygen and starving.
It’s a hard call. You all know. But not knowing when to make the call makes all the time that remains even more precious. Not knowing when that time will come give me the chance to appreciate another day, appreciate the time given to process this and stay sane for the both of us, appreciate the chance to handle and accept the inevitable the way it should be: with grace, with open heart, with love.
Not knowing when the day will come give me the chance to focus on what can I do to make today better, instead of feeling sorry and depressed about Mousy’s weight loss, lack of appetite, nose bleed, gauntness, death. Make all moments last.
So that when it’s time to high five for the last time, we both can turn our back against each other with no regret.
Our Godmother Christine had offered to double the next USD 100 in donation; in celebration of Mousy’s valiant fight, and for good luck on the coming year of the monkey (February 8, 2016). If you missed the chance on doubling your gift with special guardian angel Ginger, you can join us today.
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